we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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