I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize