I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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