the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
