Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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