I think my fart just growled at me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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