By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
