im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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