I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
