I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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