I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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