I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my sisters under your porch take her home
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
