I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm just crazy horny about you
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
