i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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