Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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