i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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