my phone needs a breathalizer
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
