Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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