I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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