found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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