It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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