tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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