Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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