I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
