I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
