Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
