I wish I could teleport
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize