i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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