Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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