If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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