last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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