Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
