it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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