He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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