I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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