Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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