hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
