Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
