I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'd cum for enchiladas.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
