please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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