Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
