The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
