Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
