i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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