You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
