Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize