the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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