I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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