i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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