She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize