the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Who died my cat blue again?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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