there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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