im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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