awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize