Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
