You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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